care to exchange link?
I have missed you so. I am sorry to hear things are not going well for you, I will send you loving strength filled energies. Oh go to my blog if you like to read my latest Angels message
It may make your heart swell a bit
Come see the beggar that came to my door when you get a chance.
I miss you both and am so happy to hear from you, was really worried about you all
Sunday, July 06, 2008
| Vampires do walk among you No I'm not speaking of those supernatural beings that prowl the night seeking the blood of some innocent virgin. LOL Nor am I referring to those flesh and blood people who desire to become something more than themselves and attach themselves to wearing dark colors, claim to drink blood or the like. What I am talking about we have all experienced and most likely been ourselves at one time or another. A psychic vampire is a very real thing. I do hope that the use of the word psychic doesn't conjure visions of a gypsy fortune teller for that is far from what I am trying to convey. |
Merry Christmas
Current mood:
bouncy
I prefer Yule myself but of course the kids like Christmas best. LOL What kid wouldn't? Christmas these days is celebrated by showering people with gifts and that isn't the way that I celebrate Yule. Most people that I know that celebrate Yule don't celebrate it with the overspending most commonly seen with Christmas.
This brings me to my point. Isn't Christmas a religious holiday? If the reason to celebrate the season is the birth of Christ then where does all this gift giving come in? How does a religious holiday turn into an excuse to spend $1000 on useless crap for one kid that less than a month later can't even remember what they got from whom? Why would a religious holiday turn into a competition of who can buy the most for whom? I honestly wonder if people that profess to celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday see the truth of what most people do. Christmas is as a whole a retail holiday. What do children learn or gain from this?
My personal opinion is that all kids are really learning these days is the same 365 days a year. They learn to be selfish, greedy, materialistic and down right brats. I'm not on some "not my kid" kick. Mine are that way too to a point. Since we have a serious lack of money the majority of the time and always have they have never been quite so spoiled. $100 is plenty to spend on one child for a birthday or Christmas in my world. They are lucky and for the most part are gratefull for what they get. I have never understood the reasoning for spending $500-$1000 on gifts for any one child. What do they gain from that that couldn't be accomplished with far less?
Why is it easier for most people to throw money at things than time and energy? I find it far less rewarding to spend money on my children than to spend time with them. I understand how happy children get from opening gifts and how good it feels to give your kids what they have been wanting but it is far more meaningfull to spend time with them. Have a family day filled with activities, crafts, games, movies, talking, laughing and just being together for a change. Isn't that what you remember most from childhood? I know that I do. I couldn't tell you what I got for birthdays or Christmas' from 5 years ago but I can remember clearly going to the river, having a picnic, going to the park, seeing a movie or going for a drive with my family.
This Christmas I have spent $0 on my kids. Gabby got a book that I got for free from online, Cody got a sword that was a gift to me years ago that he has wanted for years and Matty is going to get to help me make her present. Matt, Cody, Gabby and I are at my mom's and Matty is at Matt's sister's house. Mom is making cookies with the kids and they are having a blast with her. Matt is watching TV and I am typing away on the computer for a while. Later today we will do more together but for right now the kids are busy with Granny. Matty will be home on Thursday and we will continue to celebrate Christmas a bit more. This weekend mom is going to give the kids their things from her and we are going to have a big dinner. Once that is done I am hoping that Christmas will finally be over. LOL
Happy holidays!
~Aidan
Hi all,
I have a little request for you if you have the time. I have been told that the link to my MySpace doesn't work and people can't get to my photos on there. What I am asking is if you will pay me a visit there and see if the link works for you and if you can acess my photos so I will know if they are full of it or not. Oh yea and the obvious please let me know if it works. LOL I am a dingbat today. Here's the link www.myspace.com/aidan_the_wicked_witch
Ok so onto my usual ranting and raving like an idiot. LOL As everyone knows from reading this blog I have been having marital problems. It has been that way for years and has pretty much come to a head as of late. My husband and I have been at this point for a while and are simply making each other miserable.
For a long time now I have been thinking that we would be better off apart rather than together and he has recently voiced the same opinion. As of now it is his opinion that after the holidays we should both move seperately. I can't argue with him there as I have been thinking it even if I didn't voice it.
My idea of marriage is that two people come together to become something better than they are apart and we don't seem to be able to do that. We are worse together than we ever have been as idividuals. We don't exactly make eachother happy either. This isn't to say things are definately over between us but I do agree that some time apart wouldn't hurt.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm really not hurt by this. The thing that will hurt me will be the kids reaction to it but it is far better than he and I staying together and being miserable. The kids know we aren't happy and they are happier when he and I are with them alone instead of me, him and them. I know that they won't really understand or like it and it will be an adjustment for them but I am confident that regardless of what happens they will be ok.
Matt says he will probably stay with his sister or his mother untill he gets himself together and that he wants to see the kids as much as he can. His suggestion to me was everyother weekend. I am hopefull that we can do this like two adults instead of falling into the nastiness I see so often in couples. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Thanks,
Aidan
BTW Please let me know if you get time to try that link and if it works! Thanks!!!
Is it really December? I know that is what my calendar says but I'm not believing it. It was bad enough that at Thanksgiving I was running around in a sleveless dress and was warm enough to go for a walk like that but here it is December and I have had all the windows open and the doors too. What gives?
I'm a very cold natured person so it's not that I'm complaining that much. True we live in the south and it doesn't get really cold but to be this warm is still strange. I saw on the news that cold weather is coming later on in the weekend but damn! I'm always cool even in the summer and here I am with my Christmas tree up and sweating while I mop. LOL
~Aidan
Do I really believe that? Oh hell who knows....
At any rate on the 10th Jackie and Justin moved out. I had a feeling that it wouldn't last long but I didn't give voice to that because it's just what it is and nothing more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a girl that...
Gives till it hurts and still keeps giving, sits by the phone to wait on calls that never comes, listens to promises that are always broken, rearanges her life for friends, always gets left in the dust, expects her family to get along, wants for more than she'll ever get, deserves better from people, puts herself through bullshit in order to help others, wants to be drama free, always tries to think before she speaks, puts herself last in line for all things, and then routinely gets shit on by the very people that she does things for. Oh and let us not forget that when she shows a flaw or does something stupid nobody will let it go or let her live it down even when they are doing the very same thing.
Well, this girl........
Is sick and fucking tired of getting taken advantage of and getting left behind, is pissed off, is going to get more or leave these people behind, is going to look out for herself and her kids and say screw everybody else. No more being a doormat or a yo-yo!
This girl thinks........
GROW THE FUCK UP!!!! Get along or get gone, do what I say or get out of my way, be there 100% or not at all, if you can't be part of the solution then you are part of the problem, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, the he said she said bullshit needs to stop, people should learn not to make someone else's problem their problem, stop making excuses for what you do or how you feel.
This girl is gonna........
Do what she wants and do it when she wants, look out for #1 for a damn change, be the bitch she was meant to be, tell you the 100% truth so don't ask if you don't want to know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yep I have had a bad lifetime. LOL Sorry if anybody gets their feelings hurt or thinks I'm talking about them. Truth be told if you think I'm talking about you there is probably some guilt there so I more than likely am talking about you. Don't ask if you don't want to know.
Love and Happy Days,
Aidan
Lately I have been wondering what I am doing with this blog. I took such a long break from the net that I have lost most of my pals that were on Bravenet to begin with and now all I seem to do is complain when I do get around to posting. To be honest I don’t know what I am doing here anymore. When I first started this years ago with Lawry I had intended for it to be thought provoking and provide a bit of good natured debate. It was like that for a few posts but slowly turned into more of a personal diary for me than anything else. I know that Lawry contributed a good bit in the begining but the charm wore off for her and then one thing lead to another and she hasn’t been able to continue. I have missed my outlet and general rant forum here but I never wanted this to turn into what it has become to me.
Instead it seems to me that all I do is complain about my life. I don’t do that in person honestly! I am a very quiet and reserved person that rarely can be engaged to speak of herself and her problems. It just seems that here that is all that I do. I have thought several times about deleting my membership here to keep myself from going on like that as I find it embarrassing in hindsight but I haven’t as of yet. I don’t know if I ever will to be honest. This seems to be the only place that I have felt safe to say almost anything. It strikes me as humorous considering this is public and can easily be found by anyone that knows me but I doubt any would try to. So what’s the real risk?
I truly don’t know where I am going with this post other than typing randomly what pops into my head. I have been doing too much thinking as of late and it hasn’t been a good thing for me. I have indulged in a tad too much introspection and realized some things that I didn’t really want to realize to begin with. I haven’t jumped off the deepend and lost what little mind I have left yet but I think I’m sitting on the side of the pool. I have found myself jealous (something that I didn’t think I really could be) of other people and it all stems from my mind going 100 MPH. Perhaps I have lost it and I just don’t know it yet.
Last night I realized something that was a pretty good slap in the face to me and it hasn’t left me alone yet. What did I realize? I have never been really happy. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had happy moments but I’ve never been really happy. I haven’t ever really even been content as a general state. My kids make me happy all the time but I’m not happy or maybe I’m just nuts. No I take that back. I’m not nuts. I’ve seen people that are happy or at least content in life and I’m not one of them. I don’t mean that I want to be delirious or overjoyed. I just want that something that I see in others and I know that I’ve never had. Even when I was a kid I wasn’t happy. WTF is wrong with me? LOL
I have settled for whatever came along and went with the flow even when I knew better. I have always convinced myself that things were fine the way that they were regardless and I have let myself just exist. Once upon a time I had dreams and ambitions but they left a long time ago. What I can’t figure out is why they left me and why I can’t seem to be happy. Why do I not have any faith in myself or my abilities? Why do I always think that everyone is more important than me? These are things I would love an answer to but I doubt that I will figure it out 100%.
I am married and miserable in my marriage. I see no way to fix things. To boil it down straight to the heart of why I am miserable is very simple. My problem is that my definition of marriage and the reality of what mine has been for almost 8 years doesn’t equal up. Marriage to me is two people coming together to become one where the whole is better than the two halves. My marriage isn’t that way. I feel that I have gone downhill since getting married and that all we are doing is getting further and further down into a hole. My hubby could be worse and so could I but is any of it worth it. Nothing has improved since we got married it has only gotten worse and I don’t see it getting better. It bothers me to think of what the kids would go through if we were to separate, that Matt would loose his Medicaid and have no way to pay for his medicines and that I would have failed but it doesn’t bother me to think of being alone or being a single parent. Yes I am a perfect mess.
~Aidan
It is starting to feel a lot like Christmas around my house. You can cut the tension with a knife and the only people that seem to be happily oblivious are the kids. There’s no money yet again. No my dear hubby isn’t employed and I have been looking for work via the net since I can’t afford the gas to go looking in person. My dear hubby didn’t find it funny the other day when I went into a fit of near hysterical laughter over the state of our finances just the other day. There I was sitting at the desk and I couldn’t hold it back any longer. It was a case of laugh or cry and I chose the humor to the tears. The power had been shut off since we couldn’t afford to pay it and he had to call his mom to get her to pay it for us. That is/was our Christmas gift from her and her hubby or at least $100 of it was. The other $130 she wants back as soon as possible. I couldn’t afford a smoke unless you count digging in the ashtray for one. I ground up the last extra bar of bath soap with a cheese crater so that I could wash clothes and I have one last bar to wash the dishes with. No there are no gifts for the kids hidden in the closet. I didn’t get in this mess by over spending or the like. I just haven’t been able to go to work due to my health and my dear hubby just hasn’t been able to find anything anywhere. Don’t even ask me to touch that one with a ten foot pole. I can’t even get started on that today or I just might end up in jail.
No things haven’t been any harder since Jackie and Justin moved in. To be honest they have made things so much easier for me. Jackie gives me someone to talk to and Justin gives my kids a much needed extra kid to play with. I have the need to have friends around me and Jackie I have known since I was barely out of diapers so she knows everything there is to know about me and doesn’t have to ask what I’m thinking most of the time. I love Justin as if he were my own and he certainly reminds me of Cody both good and bad so much that it’s scary. I’m hoping that they stay as long as it’s the best thing for both of them.
An update on the ever missing Lawry is much overdue so here it is. Go ahead and gasp while you read. Lawry is engaged and pregnant with a little boy. She is due on January 21, 2008. Lawry and her fianc
é have been together about as long as she has been pregnant and no I’m not going to venture my opinion into any of that. She moved with Steve and I don’t hear from her much anymore. Just my own personal gripe here but since she moved off with him it has been time for her to forget her friend that stood by her through all her bullshit. Ok end of gripe. I am terribly happy for her if she is truly happy. That fact hasn’t been proven to me as of yet though. The baby is healthy and so is she as far as I know so that is what is really important.For those that have been here before and know my oldest child, Cody, there is a new development for him. He has been diagnosed as being Bi-Polar with psychotic features and has had one hospital stay already. He wasn’t impressed and I can’t say that I was either. I don’t think that we will be doing that again in the future. I will sit on top of him at home if I have to. He has also told his idiot biological father to buzz off. No he didn’t say it that nicely. He actually took the phone outside and cussed him out so that I wouldn’t hear though I have told him more than once that when it came to Rob he was under no obligation to speak nicely to him. After what he put that child through there is no room for me to demand that he show him any respect. Cody has also really taken up studying Wicca. I’m sure this fact would make my in-laws skin crawl if he chose to tell them. I don’t see that happening though as he says he doesn’t want to hear them preach at him.
Gabby, my eldest daughter, has blossomed into a beautiful little girl. She has attitude to spare but at the same time is loving and just a total doll. She started pre-k this year and loves it. Mean mom that I am I am loving the time with her out of the house during the day. Don’t get me wrong I do miss her but absence makes the heart grow fonder. She has learned a lot from her first school experience. I was in need of educating on several fronts and she has been more than willing to share her knowledge with me. Did you know that you can eat scabs? Yes that had the same nauseating effect on me. She has told me all sorts of interesting things like that. I just hope that she refrains from picking up any of the things that she obviously sees at school. She is also getting a wonderful education on the bible and assorted religious facts as known by the other 4 year olds. Evidently our family is going to burn in hell since we don’t attend church. Yet again I love the bible belt!
My dearest baby, Matty, is turning into a little girl. I don’t like it one bit. She should still be the cute little baby that she was almost a year ago but I can’t hold back time. Her hair is still refusing to really grow in but she has lost so many of her baby features and speaks so clearly and so much it amazes me. To describe her personality all you need to do is look up the astrological sign Aries and there you have it. She’s tough as nails and has a mean streak. Once again I’m a horrible parent because I love that.
So I myself haven’t been up to much really. I still have a habit of blacking out and hitting the floor for no reason and I haven’t been working. I have been sitting at home doing housework, chasing the kids, trying to loose weight and stressing out about money. I have been online sending out my resume to any company that is hiring but so far I’ve had no luck. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I find something soon. I will loose what little I have left of my mind if I don’t. I plan on getting around to saying hello to all my old friends on here. I hope you are all still about!
More ranting later!
Aidan