Lately I have been wondering what I am doing with this blog. I took such a long break from the net that I have lost most of my pals that were on Bravenet to begin with and now all I seem to do is complain when I do get around to posting. To be honest I don’t know what I am doing here anymore. When I first started this years ago with Lawry I had intended for it to be thought provoking and provide a bit of good natured debate. It was like that for a few posts but slowly turned into more of a personal diary for me than anything else. I know that Lawry contributed a good bit in the begining but the charm wore off for her and then one thing lead to another and she hasn’t been able to continue. I have missed my outlet and general rant forum here but I never wanted this to turn into what it has become to me.

Instead it seems to me that all I do is complain about my life. I don’t do that in person honestly! I am a very quiet and reserved person that rarely can be engaged to speak of herself and her problems. It just seems that here that is all that I do. I have thought several times about deleting my membership here to keep myself from going on like that as I find it embarrassing in hindsight but I haven’t as of yet. I don’t know if I ever will to be honest. This seems to be the only place that I have felt safe to say almost anything. It strikes me as humorous considering this is public and can easily be found by anyone that knows me but I doubt any would try to. So what’s the real risk?

I truly don’t know where I am going with this post other than typing randomly what pops into my head. I have been doing too much thinking as of late and it hasn’t been a good thing for me. I have indulged in a tad too much introspection and realized some things that I didn’t really want to realize to begin with. I haven’t jumped off the deepend and lost what little mind I have left yet but I think I’m sitting on the side of the pool. I have found myself jealous (something that I didn’t think I really could be) of other people and it all stems from my mind going 100 MPH. Perhaps I have lost it and I just don’t know it yet.

Last night I realized something that was a pretty good slap in the face to me and it hasn’t left me alone yet. What did I realize? I have never been really happy. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had happy moments but I’ve never been really happy. I haven’t ever really even been content as a general state. My kids make me happy all the time but I’m not happy or maybe I’m just nuts. No I take that back. I’m not nuts. I’ve seen people that are happy or at least content in life and I’m not one of them. I don’t mean that I want to be delirious or overjoyed. I just want that something that I see in others and I know that I’ve never had. Even when I was a kid I wasn’t happy. WTF is wrong with me? LOL

I have settled for whatever came along and went with the flow even when I knew better. I have always convinced myself that things were fine the way that they were regardless and I have let myself just exist. Once upon a time I had dreams and ambitions but they left a long time ago. What I can’t figure out is why they left me and why I can’t seem to be happy. Why do I not have any faith in myself or my abilities? Why do I always think that everyone is more important than me? These are things I would love an answer to but I doubt that I will figure it out 100%.

I am married and miserable in my marriage. I see no way to fix things. To boil it down straight to the heart of why I am miserable is very simple. My problem is that my definition of marriage and the reality of what mine has been for almost 8 years doesn’t equal up. Marriage to me is two people coming together to become one where the whole is better than the two halves. My marriage isn’t that way. I feel that I have gone downhill since getting married and that all we are doing is getting further and further down into a hole. My hubby could be worse and so could I but is any of it worth it. Nothing has improved since we got married it has only gotten worse and I don’t see it getting better. It bothers me to think of what the kids would go through if we were to separate, that Matt would loose his Medicaid and have no way to pay for his medicines and that I would have failed but it doesn’t bother me to think of being alone or being a single parent. Yes I am a perfect mess.

~Aidan